Connected

Although it has been building for a while, because it is happening today it feels sudden.

I’m packing, but I am not sure where I’m going. I don’t know what to take: – Should I bring all my clothes? My books? My toys? Are we taking my bed? My dresser? My aunt is here, she is packing too; but just throwing things in bags. I’m scared, I want to cry but I don’t know if I should be crying. I think about whose bed I will sleep in tonight; is this real or is it like the last time? But last time we didn’t pack anything; last time aunty, grandma and grandpa didn’t come. Today, even the police are here and a truck. Last time it was just a lot of mean words, but today, I think this is hate!

 

I am putting all the dishes, pots, pans and microwave in boxes, did I buy this T.V. or was it the one in the bedroom? It was so long ago I don’t even remember- well it doesn’t even matter I’m taking them both. Can’t we just stay? I can fix this, I want to stay! My mother out of everyone else, will judge me harshly. Are you the person I raised, a coward? Why are you so weak? Is your self-esteem that low? Don’t you love yourself, your child? In my head I answer her, still packing. Yes, I love myself, this is me- this place, this experience, this is what I love, I built, I want to stay! But I don’t say it; instead I pack and wonder why? Where am I even going? Why am I leaving? I didn’t do anything wrong.

 

I can’t live without you. They hated me from the moment we met. I know I have made mistakes I’m sorry, let’s work it out. I want to tell the police to leave that it is ok, I was just upset, we are both hurting. This is my flesh and I could never hurt myself. This rage that I felt took over me. What am I supposed to do without them? I need you, I need me, I need us. Inside, I am crying that deep burning cry that closes the throat. Then one onlooker says ‘strength, no weakness-more fish in the sea for you’ and I smile and nod. Knowing that I had been fishing for years and I like this fish I have right now.

The truck leaves, you leave with my baby, the ones who encouraged us to destroy everything we built leaves, the crowd slowly disperses as if leaving a funeral and we are left flopping like fish out of water.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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